How to ruin any food: Tortilas

Tonight we’re going to ruin tortillas. Tortillas as you know, are the key to burritos and soft tacos, without them you’d just have a pile of meat and beans on your plate with cheese on top, which while it might still be tasty, would be a lot harder to eat.

WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ENJOY GOOD FOOD.

The rest of this post in intended to be humorous and not to be taken as new culinary treats about to sweep the nation.Any attempt to ingest the substance described below is not suggested and should be avoided. If you do attempt to taste any of the following food related ideas, please be warned that disgust, nausea and possibly even death could be the result.

 

History:

Tortillas are likely one of the oldest foods eaten today, some sources  claiming that they have been eaten for over twelve thousand years.

While I can’t confirm how long tortillas have been eaten, the origin is clear:

Roughly twelve thousand years ago in what became modern Mexico, the last herd of mastodons charged through a small village while the bread was being made. Some of the mastodons trampled over the bread dough, flattening it. These were cooked as food was tough to come by at that point in time and the tortilla was discovered.

It took many weeks after the happy accident for the villagers to figure out a way to flatten the dough without waiting for a mastodon to come by, but the managed and the modern tortilla was born.

While my origin is no doubt correct, some people will no doubt say I’m wrong. The main thing is that we have these great unleavened breads to enjoy.

A little bit more about the history of tortillas can be found here:

http://www.articlesnatch.com/blog/What-Are-Tortillas—A-Brief-Tortilla-History/358856#gsc.tab=0

 

What they are:

Tortillas are basically nothing more than normally unleavened flat bread that is still pliable enough to fold. They come in both flour and corn. They are used for burritos and soft tacos. The corn tortilla when fried and formed becomes a taco shell.

 

How to make them:

Tortillas are basically nothing more than flour (or corn), water and a bit of oil. Some recipes will call for baking soda, which is actually a leavening agent.

The dough is separated into small balls and flattened out, you want them very thin, but not so thin that they tear or rip when you place them on your griddle.

Cook them until the tortilla browns slightly (the amount of browning will vary depending on your flour). They should be light and bendable when they cool.

 

How to ruin them:

Tortillas are actually very simple to ruin, as there are many ways to ruin them.

 Thickness:

Tortillas can be ruined by simply making them either too thin or too thick, depending on what you are using them for.

If you are going to be picking them up, for soft tacos, you’ll want to make your tortillas thin enough that they will rip with the least amount of filling. Ideally even a single grating of cheese will poke through the tortilla, however that is hard to accomplish.

If you are instead going to something that needs to be rolled up like  burritos, you want a tortilla that is too thick to roll or even fold, when you try it should break in the center.

Shape:

A tortilla should be round, therefore to ruin one it should not even resemble a circle. Triangles are a good option, it helps ruin the tortilla as there is really no way to fold or roll a triangle.

Any other shape works as well, from star shapes, sticks or even a half circle if you must, they will all ruin your tortilla.

Flavors:

Tortillas are supposed to be unflavored, the flour or corn taste is supposed to compliment your filling.

To ruin your tortillas with a flavor, try any of the following:

  • Liquorice
  • Mint
  • Clove
  • Cherry
  • Vanilla
  • Curry
  • Root beer

Any of these flavors will ruin your tortillas, I promise that.

Color:

Normal tortillas are white, off white or yellowish depending on your flour or corn. Those are the colors they should be and everyone expects them to be, so the easiest way to ruin your tortillas is to change the color of them.

Consider dotting your dough with blue and green food coloring, don’t mix it in entirely, just mix it enough to give it a moldy look.

You can also color them purple, a color so far from the normal color that it should ruin it instantly.

Pink and red are also good colors, however if you do either of these colors, make sure you apply a large bandage to your hand and tell people you cut yourself right before making the tortillas, they will assume the color comes from blood and will declare the tortillas ruined. While not the nicest thing to do, it can get a laugh as well.

 

That’s about all the ways I have to ruin tortillas tonight, did I miss any? Let me know in the comments!

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it.

 

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One thought on “How to ruin any food: Tortilas

  1. Pingback: How to ruin any food: Soft Tacos – Mageowl's Blog

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